Everytime I have experienced a complete breakdown (be it physical, mental, or both), this has been my experience. It can be very difficult to cope with losing these “friends,” on top of the crisis you’re already dealing with. I’ve often struggled with feeling abandoned and used. There are always plenty of people surrounding me when I experience wins, but there are far, far, few who stick around to see me through the failures.

Unfortunately, there will always be friends, that for one reason or another, disappear when you’re most in need of them. Some are only in your life when they need you and can get something from you. If you have nothing to offer them, they are noticeably absent.

Others I think, just don’t know how to handle the situation so they retreat. Maybe they don’t know what to do or say, maybe they find you dealing with your pain a threat to themselves (perhaps they haven’t ever looked or dealt with their own pain), who the fuck knows. Whatever it is, they sure as fuck aren’t around to help.

The good news is that, hopefully, there will be some people who stay by your side. People who are able to accept and love you in any state, who simply enjoy the being you are and want you in their life. They are probably people who have the ability and/or support system to “fill” themselves, so they don’t need or expect others to do the work for them.

If you are experiencing this loss of friendship, my heart is with you. Humans are strange creatures and even people who truly love and care for you are fallible and likely to disappoint you in some way. We’re all imperfect people. Try to stay soft. Appreciate the fuck out of those that stay by your side in hardship and try to remain open minded and forgiving of the rest.



Ode To A Cat

I am never too much for him.
He doesn’t find my problems so big and uncomfortable
that he retreats because he doesn’t know what to say or do.
He doesn’t tell me to “get over it” or to “stay positive.”
He doesn’t pressure me to “stay strong”.
He doesn’t do any of that bullshit.
He just is.
He just loves.
He just stays.
I’m never too much for him and he just stays.


My mobile phone broke 5 days ago & I’ve only just replaced  it. Every day without a phone I felt the same – disconnected.


Often I hear people saying we need to disconnect from our phones to reconnect with nature/our soul/God/reality. I do this pretty often, for an afternoon here or a weekend there. Earlier this year I took 2 months off all social media and it was brilliant and absolutely what I needed.


But having a phone, especially one with access to social media can be really, really important for people like me.
I don’t leave the house very often. I don’t get much opportunity to socialize. I meet those needs through my mobile – through phone calls, texting, messaging apps and social media. Being able to connect with others through this magical device keeps me from feeling isolated and alone. It’s been years since I made any new friends in person, but online, through social media, I’ve made amazing new friends all over the world.


So I just wanted to throw that idea out there. It’s great to disconnect when you know it’s what you need. It’s also great to be connected when you know that’s what you need.


PS: I DREW THIS! I had so much time on my hands without a phone… 😂😂😂

Meditation Procrastination

I need to go and meditate
I’d rather sit and eat some cake
I’d rather do most anything
than sit and feel my feel-eel-ings

My room’s a mess
But it’s my nest
I burrow down
And do my best

I don’t know what’s around the bend
I don’t know how my story ends
But my heart and head agree
Meditation’s probably good for me

© Caitlin Hills 2017

**When cats and asthma don’t mix**

End Of The Bed

“Please go to the end of the bed” she said

But the cat chose not to hear

He’d rather poke about her face

And have a lick at her ear

Please go to the end of the bed” she said

I cannot handle your hair

I cannot cope with you so close”

But the cat just didn’t care

Please go to the end of the bed” she said

Though I’ll love you to the end

Today I just can’t handle you

Please understand, my friend

The cat went to the end of the bed

Though he was unimpressed

He took a seat and licked his paws

Knew another day, he’d be caressed


IMG_20160904_153746© Caitlin Hills 2016

Craig Ferguson on Sobriety

I stumbled upon this video just a few days ago and had to share it. I LOVE what Ferguson has to say, not only about his own experience with alcoholism, but also about the media’s treatment of celebrities suffering addiction and mental health issues. Since this video (2007), there have been a number of celebrity drug & alcohol related deaths . Heath Ledger, Amy Winehouse, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Corey Montieth and Peaches Geldoff are a few names that spring to mind. Addiction kills and it is never a laughing matter.

Amy Winehouse was a complete joke before she died. There were “hilarious”  videos of her drunk and high posted on You Tube and people were dressing up as her for Halloween. The media and society at large took advantage of a very sick individual and turned it into prime entertainment. How many jokes were made at her expense? Her addiction, the butt of all the jokes, finally killed her. A talented young woman died trying to get sober. How funny is that!!? How funny do you think her parents found it when they buried her?

Addiction is a taboo subject. It is a very misunderstood disease. The sufferer is generally blamed for their addiction and the behavior this addiction causes. As Ferguson exclaims in this video, he can TRY all he likes to drink normally, but he just CANNOT. He honestly isn’t capable.

Our society takes sick pleasure in judging celebrities for their every move, including those which are the result of serious and very obvious addiction and mental health issues. And I’m guilty of this too. Back when Amanda Byrnes had a complete meltdown I was constantly up to date with her shenanigans. Acting all judgy mcjudgy on my high horse, I was actually relieved to see that someone was more fucked up than I was. I took a great deal of pleasure at the expense of her pain as by comparison, it made me feel like maybe I wasn’t such a lost cause.

This video has reminded me of an important fact. Celebrities struggling with addiction and mental health issues, just like the rest of the population, deserve  respect and compassion. They are sick individuals battling a deadly illness. And if the next celebrity we joke about happens to die, how funny will we find that?

What are your thoughts on the matter? Comment below and let me know.



Eureka Gremlins!

What is it about the bathroom (and shower in particular) that encourages deep philosophical thoughts?? Do the thoughts lurk there, waiting to catch us unawares and then strike like a lightning bolt to the head? During the frustration that was my University degree this would constantly happen to me. I liked to mull things over and let my ideas marinate so I’d leave my essay while I took some time out for a shower… One minute I’d be happily relaxing in the hot water then ZING – the perfect sentence would shoot through my mind! The perfect order of words that I knew would tie all my arguments together; the perfect sentence that was so profound, so deep and meaningful; it seemed destined to assure me an A grade AND explain half the problems in today’s society. And I would TEAR out of that bathroom like a cat on crack, running to my computer so that I could, still dripping with water, attempt to capture that golden light of a sentence.

I love the way Elizabeth Gilbert (author of “Eat, Pray, Love”), describes the idea of ‘the genius’ in this clip.
She perceives works of art (music, literature, art, dance etc.) to be created through a collaboration with a person AND some external power, outside of us. This takes the pressure from the artist “to BE” a genius, and instead shares equally the glory and downfalls of all works created between the person and this outside entity.

She brilliantly describes this external force, this genius, as something akin to “Dobby the house elf” and I can totally visualise the little genius gremlin specially assigned to my case. Sometimes the poor little critter must just be banging his head against the bathroom wall as it watches me stumble through life. But I do wonder, why does it so often visit me in the bathroom? And I KNOW I am not the only one this happens to, because I’ve seen a Facebook group called “coming up with great ideas in the shower,” and yes, I did join it.  I also found this little gem on Facebook:

So my theory on why our genius gremlins hide in the bathroom is this: it’s one of the only spaces where they can actually be heard. In our busy lives, the time we give ourselves to have a shower can be the only private and silent time we afford ourselves. Whether you believe that the fantastic brain storming you are capable of achieving in the shower is due to a connection with a genius gremlin, God, your inner wisdom or some mixture of the three, one thing is certain: We REALLY ought to make time to meditate and journal!! I, for one, think these voices deserve a more attentive ear than we currently bestow them during our shower time. And so it’s rather fitting that I finish this post while sitting in my bathroom (this actually happens to be the only place in the apartment that I get internet). I open my mind, open my life, to my little genius gremlin. Whenever you want buddy, hit me with it!!

Where the magic happens… I hope.